The Time Machine

Have you ever lost something so precious to you for the same reasons that you wanted it so bad?

It's been 58 years.
58 years that I've lived my life and I've felt that I missed every moment of it.
In that same 58 years, I've accomplished a lot of things
any other man would've only dreamed of.

Look at Ma and Pa, oh~ I was so lucky they're my parents.
Having been brought into this world with genes more desireable than the rest.
They are well rounded people. They are exceptionally bright as well as they are beautiful.
Lucky enough, I've inherited all of their qualities. Oh I was a dashing man in my 20s as I was in my 30s, you see.

I was brought up into the world. With a relatively happy family.
They've given me the best education money can buy.
And every little needs and wants a boy could have.
Of course, I never failed them.
I graduated college, with honors.
Companies were after me when I graduated, and it was no time at all
that I had a pretty stable job.


Years later, I've acquired enough money to start my own company.
And a couple more years, I was earning more than I could ever spend.

I was living the dream.
Pssh~
A dream.
It all sounds so desireable.
And everything about it seems to cause a blank rift
in that span of 58 years.
I was living the dream, yes.
But all along dreams aren't enough to keep you going
to live a life.

It's been 42 years, since I met her.
And it's been 40 years that I lost her.
The only woman in the world to have ever made me realize that such a life
is best lived.
And yet, here I am...
Living my hypocrisy.

We were young. Passionate.
And with all purity of love and passion,
We loved.
Everyday was a day worth living.
Everyday, a new day perhaps.
But then again, why did I ever lose her then.
Perhaps it was not all good.
Of course, we were human.
With human flaws and undesireabilities.
And that my own has caused her to distance.
That I couldn't fix that very flaw.
But How in GOD's name was I able to live this very life!

40 years ago, it was late july.
We had a fight of such human flaw.
Distance made.
Oh feelings were dying.
The passions of anger have taken over.
The heat of the moments have caused such words
to be said. Such actions dealt. Such goodbyes meant.
She would never give me another chance, I thought.
But I wanted to fix what was wrong in me.
Such an asshole I was.
And such a disgrace I be.

It's been 40 years since then. 40 years of regret.
I have changed for the better. I've lived a life of dream.
But she's never coming back to see things changed.
She's never going back to me.

Contemplation: Of Parents

Parents are supposed to be the guiding light to any kid.
We look up to them. Obey and disobey them.
Love and hate them. Need and reject them.
And at some point in time, be them.

We are kids right now.
We are cradled in the arms of our parents.
When we need to get out of trouble, we run to them.
When we need help, we ask them.
And in every other aspect of life, in this present stage of life,
we are very much dependent on them.

It is understood, this process of exchange.
The child demands his parents, and soon when he grows up
and his parents grow old, he will return the favor back as the parents demand.

We look up to them. Mom and Dad.
For us, they're strong.
And no matter how big or little our problems are,
we run crying to them.
And they would comfort us.
Advise us.
Push us towards the right direction.
The parents' responsibility.
Obligation?
Passion.

That's only when the winds blow right.
Parents are human beings too, thus they are limited by human imperfection.
At times when things go wrong, parents forget to be parents.
They seem to lose hold of the essence of parenthood.
Or rather, the responsibility that parents should attend to.

That's what makes things a little bit off track.

Parents can be so childish at times.
They act like kids and fight like kids too.
They can be unreasonable.
Unkind, short-sighted and biased.
They expect so much.
Yet never supported you.
They leave you, and when you come running for help.
They would rather say, "Stop complaining like a kid."

Why don't we just say, "Start being a parent."

Sigh~
It really bothers me so much when people tell me about their issues with their parents.
I haven't had much with mine. And it didn't really bother me when it was of mine, than it was for them.
I dunno.
Its such an insult to being parents.
When parents begin to first their own needs than their children.
I have always had this notion of parents giving way for their children.
Like my mom. And my dad. To some extent. Even though I can say that at some point,
they've reverted to being kids.
Even so, they weren't like them.
They won't drag us down to suit their wants over our own.
Or compromise everyone else's wants.
Unselfish.

I just don't know what to do.
When my friends talk about this.
Complain of their issues.
I feel sad. Or, more appropriately, infuriated.
As to point of logic, these parents seem to lack.
And as of point of anything worth mentioning, they lack so much.
They've proved me one thing though.
Even a Christian family.
Christian parents.
Are human in the sense of flaw.
And even in the sense of flaw and essence of Christianity,
they appear to be living contradictions to their doctrine.